Those Words given by A Parent Which Helped Me during my time as a First-Time Parent

"In my view I was just in survival mode for a year."

One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the challenges of being a father.

But the truth rapidly became "completely different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into becoming her main carer while also caring for their infant son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he burnt out. It was a talk with his parent, on a park bench, that helped him see he needed help.

The direct phrases "You're not in a good spot. You need assistance. How can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His experience is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. Although the public is now more comfortable discussing the stress on moms and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers go through.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his difficulties are linked to a larger failure to open up between men, who continue to hold onto harmful perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and stays upright every time."

"It is not a display of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, says men often don't want to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the space to request a pause - going on a couple of days overseas, separate from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He realised he required a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings in addition to the practical tasks of caring for a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen did not have stable male guidance. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences caused his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says bottling up feelings led him to make "poor choices" when he was younger to change how he felt, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as an escape from the hurt.

"You turn to things that are harmful," he explains. "They may short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."

Advice for Managing as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - when you are under pressure, confide in a family member, your partner or a therapist what you're going through. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the pursuits that made you feel like yourself before the baby arrived. It could be playing sport, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the body - nutritious food, physical activity and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing.
• Meet other new dads - sharing their journeys, the messy ones, and also the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that requesting help is not failure - taking care of yourself is the most effective way you can care for your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the passing, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead give the safety and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men since they acknowledged their issues, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… processing things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I expressed, at times I feel like my job is to instruct and tell you on life, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am understanding an equal amount as you are in this journey."