Navigating my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
